Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
yes, those are my real potatoes.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Become ungovernable.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
she has a point
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room