Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EVpq6CLU4AEyfCy.mp4

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.