@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
You Might Also Like
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
sweet dreams💖
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
#damn
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
(yawn)
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Leaving the Barbers like