@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it