[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”