Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.

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If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.


Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.


Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.


the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be


Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.


There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”


“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.


So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”