@KalvinMacleod

Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.

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@mccoy_paul

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

@GoodBadThing

Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.

@JONOCOYOTE

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

@nachosarah

the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be

@Steelers1972

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

@AntozWolf

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

@on_the_fritz_17

“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.

@ThisOneSayz

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”