I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Milk Cube
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]