How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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And Grandmother, what a big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Awesome parenting 😂
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.