“Theirye’re” problem solved
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time