“Theirye’re” problem solved
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
😩😩😩
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
LOL!
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has