“Theirye’re” problem solved
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People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.