Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m literally crying

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW