Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.