Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
The first one, obviously
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.