Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
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As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Dishonest mechanic?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!