Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
You Might Also Like
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Story of my life…..
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…