Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good
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son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat