Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good
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Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know