Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

Voting is the worst group project

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!