Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

*sewing*

A thread

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded