Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho