Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓