Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?