Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

BaD BoY!!

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

My love language is hissing.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”