@GingerHotDish

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

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@WheelTod

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

@buckweiser13

I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.

@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

@rebrafsim

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

@TheWidowmakerX

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

@pilau

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

@EyeSeeYou619

If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?