Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I drew y’all a little something.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.