Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

☠️ ☠️

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

This line from Airplane.

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.