Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

me when i see my girls butt

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.