Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”