Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Yup….perfect score!
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.