Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
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Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.