Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*