Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?