Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that