Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

If snakes were wide

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

dude it’s called proctologist

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets