Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.