Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

In Canada they just call them geese

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

🐟✨ #re4

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.