them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Always 🥴
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to