them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
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* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.