Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating