Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.