Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police