Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers