THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
it was love at first sight
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Our lord and savoury.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast