Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

O Wise One….

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.