them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
You Might Also Like
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me if I was a dog
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.