them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
You Might Also Like
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
me and my fake scenarios
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Peter Parker Peter Driver