Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
new career option?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
