Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.