Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.