Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men