Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

everyone’s a critic

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work