Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting š„°
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
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I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
āIt all started when my mom met my dadā¦ā
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What a kind woman! šš
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
me: my friends:
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander SkarsgƄrd: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess itās time to shave for summer.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
āThese are serious allegationsā
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
No matter how bad a day Iām having at work at least thereās no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
ācanāt you take a hint?ā bro I donāt even understand literal stuff
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your nameā¦it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.