Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The Book. The Movie.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.