Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

This is me

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’