Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

Feel. He’s so soft.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.