Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Ion see the issue

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.