Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face