Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

My daily affirmation

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.