Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
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doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Passwords are more important than ever.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The internet is full of many things
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*