Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

My favorite farside!!

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.