Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Word.

~ Microsoft.

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again