Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
6. me as a lawyer
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*