Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
#Caturday
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”