Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.