them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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Meow
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.