them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Worth the read.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.