them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Pot warmers of the day.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.