Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
He a real one for that
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body