Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Creative Problem Solving
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
no cat here
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.