Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”