Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me irl
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
SPLOOT
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.