Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.