Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
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If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Ape together strong
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.