Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

*bites zombie*

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.