Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it