Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.